Sunday, October 7, 2012

I think a lot

about writing. I'm not a very good writer, but I'm definitely not the worst. I hate almost everything I've ever written, which my mom says is good. That all the best writer's do, because that's how they make progress, knowing they've got to be better. Sometimes I don't know if I can. 

I actually like these blog posts a lot. In a way, they're almost therapeutic, getting my thoughts out into the air, having to actually think when I write my argument. I like how sometimes I'll start with the opinion at one end of the argument, and as I do my research and try to form my opinion it actually changes by the end of the article, because I've actually taken the time to think about the choice I'm making on something. I suppose it's enlightening. It certainly is critical to me, as a writer, as a person.

The hardest thing about writing is actually doing it. Ideas will come and go through out the day, but it takes an insurmountable determination to start penning things down. You probably know it. Doing something that feels impossible and then laughing when you're down. In athletics they say the time you should work the hardest is when you feel at you're absolute weakest, because that is when the training matters most, where it will kick in. It's true about writing.

I don't know where I stand as a writer compared to my peers. I don't know where I stand at all, and I'm either not comfortable enough with having someone critiquing my work or the people I actually do feel comfortable enough don't have enough experience/expertise to validate my writing. I love tough editors because they get you places. The thing about praise and success is that it gets you nowhere, builds this sense of security that is hard to get out of because it's safe---so you never move on to greater things.

I remember I won this contest for the Love My Library Contest. I won a NOOK, which was awesome, but I was also really embarrassed. I consider it one of my poorer essays. And I won, and was lavished with all this unmitigated praise and congratulations and I felt like such a fraud because the essay was actually pretty terrible. And then I had to read it at this groundbreaking ceremony downtown, and I just felt bad. Resist the urge to publicly apologize bad, and I ran off the stage when everyone was clapping. Oh man, and then people personally congratulated me after, and I did not deserve that. I smiled and thanked them, but inside I was handling it badly.

As a writer, it's not as though I don't like winning. But only when I feel like it's deserved. And how the hell am I supposed to know when something is deserved when I can't even honestly tell how good something I write is? Because this is important to me. I want to be a better writer.

Also, scholarships, which pretty sums up my life right now.

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